Book Review by Jura Tender: French Children Don't Throw Food

“FRENCH CHILDREN DO NOT THROW THEIR FOOD”

by Pamela Druckerman

Black Swan 2013

A good title, and it caught my eye in the airport – so I bought it and found it really relevant. It is written by an American journalist Pamela Druckerman, who married an Englishman and ended up living in Paris. Here she soon found basic cultural differences – starting with the behaviours of babies. For a start, French babies all seemed to sleep through the night by 3 months of age or close to it. When her own daughter continued needing night feeds, as did the children of her American friends she used her investigative journalism to solve the mystery.

French mothers do not pick a baby up and feed it the moment it wakes or stirs. They do not let babies cry inconsolably, but they do not disturb babies who may wake after a REM sleep cycle to wriggle, yawn, stretch, or whinge a little and then fall asleep again. If the parent pauses and observes the baby, but does not pick it up, the baby has a chance to learn to “self-soothe” and so join the two natural sleep cycles, thus getting more rest and getting more ready for a bigger feed once awake. A few babies do not manage this on their own so controlled crying is used. Certainly more solid sleep also means happier family atmosphere. The author visits a French sleep paediatrician, Helene de Leersnyder, who explains the science behind the ‘pause’ which, if applied consistently, will teach babies to sleep.

French philosophy on child rearing may have started with Rouseau but has been greatly influenced in the 1960s to 1980s by Francoise Dalto, psychoanalyst/paediatrician, who became very popular with books, TV shows, and then DVDs teaching that babies were rational and aware of language from the start and this needs to be respected. “She talks to children like they were human beings” was one comment. This has resulted in different child management strategies in France. At the same time, Dr Spock in the USA was prescribing the best way to manage infants to the last detail to ensure they are as healthy as they can be and their physical needs are all met while their growing self-esteem and sense of security is not crushed. But he also coined the phrase the “terrible twos” and provided English-speaking parents with a different set of expectations.

In France, if babies are rational it was assumed they can be taught – even how to eat in a restaurant. Any unusual reaction by the baby needs to be understood as it is rational communication (I smell functional analysis here).  “Human beings speak to other human beings – some are big some are small but they all communicate”. Communication includes letting children know the rules and boundaries which govern us all. If this is done with consistency and firmness teaching of compliance to the level of the child’s ability can be achieved without the need for disrespectful nagging or a show of anger.

Food culture also differed. Where the English-speaking world starts babies on starchy solids, the French start on vegetables and fruit and the expectation that children will eat the same food as their parents as soon as they are able to swallow it. The old British routine of jam sandwiches in the nursery while parents have multi-course dinner at 8 o’clock downstairs may be gone, but just how many children currently end up living on vegemite sandwiches after refusing other options. In France eating is a social ritual in which all participate. This involves sitting at a table, socialising and relaxing, and this is taught to children early as they join in with adults. There is no snacking or ‘grazing’ leaving more room for a good appetite. As for the rejection of vegetables, so common here, it just does not exist in France.   There is also no forcing to eat as long as the children have tasted the food, and there is no alternative on offer. A the same time vegetables are prepared in a variety of ways to enhance taste.

I was gobsmacked to read that in the government run creches for toddlers, food is taken seriously and planned by nutritionists and chefs for months ahead. The children get a four course lunch which any restaurant could be proud of. Emphasis in menu planning was on variety with similar dishes not presented in the following week. Variety in visual and texture presentation was also considered, as well as taste.

Let me quote the menu for one Friday: “a salad of shredded red cabbage and fromage blanc. Then there is white fish (hake) with dill sauce with orange potatoes a l’anglaise. The cheese course is a soft cheese similar to brie, and desert is a baked organic apple. Each dish is cut up or pureed according to the age of the kid.”  I will not elaborate on what was planned for the special Christmas meal but it was mouth-watering. No wonder French restaurants do not have children’s menus!

So what happened in the English speaking world? We set up expectations for children to have problems, and then we worry when they meet our expectations, be it terrible two’s ‘yucky’ vegetables or not doing chores and homework. The French instead expect the children to comply if taught, but take much more time in the teaching. Even quite subtle differences in the books we read, the advice we are given, our social role models and the observations we make all combine to a culture of expectations we form and that shapes our parenting behaviours.

All the above just makes common sense and reflects good behavioural strategies. It would make parenting much easier, even in bringing up a child with ASD.

Jura Tender