Introducing Your Child to the Community
As a parent of a toddler with ASD you soon realise that you have two variables to consider, or more to the point, to worry about. How will your child and the outside environment interact? Your first foray may be into a play group. Your child will probably behave differently: there are many common variations, clinging to you, tantrumming, pushing or biting the other toddlers, grabbing toys or just sneaking away from the happy noisy mob and do his/her own thing. How will the environment react?
As a parent are you ready to take the averted looks of the other mums, the conviction that they are commenting about your child while you go off to retrieve said child from some potential disaster, the feeling that you do not quite belong. Or are you resilient enough to smile and point out to them that you are working on socialising your little one and how good it is to have this opportunity. Those early excursions are not easy and I do not blame many parents for giving up; however, if you can persevere, ignoring the implied criticism and even worse the pity, you will be not only helping your child learn to fit into the typical peer group, but will also be helping the community in which your child will live to better understand people with ASD.
It is important for the community to see ASD. For too long our people have been invisible, and consequently ignored rather than catered for. In the past Autism was rare because so many who today fit the criteria were packed off to institutions for the Intellectually Impaired if they were non verbal, or to psychiatric hospitals if they were verbal. It was only when families stopped institutionalising children and we saw children with ASD growing up within the community that their potential became visible and the wide variety within the spectrum became evident.
Today's parents have a community much more welcoming and understanding, as far as the big picture is concerned, but there are many micro situations which every parent will meet, where the environment can and should be made better to accommodate the child who is different. At the same time the child needs to be prepared for the world he/she will live in.
One of the basic cornerstones of ASD, resistance to change, is actually quite easy to change, if you have the opportunity to start early. A toddler must not be humored when little resistances to certain stimuli begin to appear. If a child will drink from one cup only - let that cup mysteriously vanish. If a child screams in the supermarket, do not give up, but go in there for just a few minutes, not to shop but to let your child acclimatise to the new environment. Allow your child to experience the community environment early, but in very small doses, increasing exposure gradually as tolerance is developed. The process is known as desensitisation.
Let us look at the things that make those early forays into the big wide world difficult for many of our little ones. They are very much more aware of sensory input which we have learnt to ignore. Just consider the smells in a doctor's surgery and what associations they may bring, the overpowering irritation to the nose in the washing powder and detergent aisle in the supermarket. Flickering fluorescent lights tend to also have a high pitched hum, very irritating to people who note this. Noise of traffic and machinery which we tend to ignore can be overpowering if focused on. Strangers at close range alert our defenses, but we have no problems living in crowded cities. Our child needs to meet all of these a little at a time. We cannot change the urban environment, but we can gradually acclimatise our child to it. Each child will be different, so it is important to assess tolerance levels for each situation and start there, gradually raising the bar as the child copes, while ensuring the child feels comfortable and happy, by associating the situation with a reinforcement the child values.
Here are some common problems and some general solutions. Remember they are only general and may need to be adjusted to meet the needs of a specific child in a specific situation:
Let us start with the runner. If we prevent any opportunity for 'elopement', (yes that is the term given for children who just take off) our child will stay safe, and never see the wide world. Locks and security systems are still useful to allow for vigilance down time, but the child needs to be taught. Take the child for a ten meter stroll, outside the front gate, holding hands and receiving something worthwhile (this will depend on your child, and could be a chuppa-chup in your other hand, a special toy or the precious iPhone, or just you singing). If you cannot make the ten meters - just stand outside the gate for a minute. Proceed by gradually lengthening the walk while reducing the reinforcement during the walk, and giving most of it on return. Engage the child by pointing out things that may be of interest, make the child enjoy your attention. This program can be extended to walks in shopping malls. Always starting with only a minute or two and away from the biggest distracters and a reinforcement at the end if successful. If the contract is broken the child goes straight back to the car and there is no reinforcement.
Going to the doctor can be a traumatic. From the child's point of view it is a strange new place, it smells odd (possibly reminiscent of those. needles a few months ago) and there are a lot of people sitting at touching distance. Nothing is happening. If our child is a little on the overactive side he/she may make it happen. In this case I would start by preparing the environment. Make an appointment at a time when it will be quiet and tell them your problem and your plan. Cruise around the area and get the receptionist to phone you just before you are called in. You could also just call in to say hello to the receptionist, getting your child familiar with the place before it is actually needed.
Dentist and hairdressers can be treated in a similar way. Strange things are done to people sitting in a different kind of chair. Talk to the relevant people, explain your problem, and if they are not helpful go elsewhere. Before you dump your child into this chair let them just sit and watch the proceedings, you will need both haircuts and dental checkups no doubt, and maybe your child can watch other family members. This is best, of course, while relaxed and aware that a reinforcement may well be available at the end (probably something the dentist would not approve of) Get to explore the chair, sit in it, play with the tilting. Next time we can ask to open the mouth as well, and a good dentist will know to take it slowly. Schedules should also be used for such events. On your weekly calendar, put in the visits and show pictures of what to expect. Never spring a surprise on your child. Do not destroy the trust between you. The anticipation will eventually reduce the stress as the child will habituate to it. By the way, haircuts can often be worse than dental appointments as the child also feels different after the event. Prepare for the hair loss with pictures, and afterwards hide the scissors as once desensitised, your child may want to try some styling on his own.
The above examples are ways to cope by preparing both the environment and the child for the occasion.
The best preparation is to make sure your child is aware of all the different things in the community. Other children will be getting information from stories and from talking. Your child will need to look and see. Here are some of the things you could do:
Go to the back of a bakery to see where the bread comes from and why it smells so good.
Watch pizza come out of an oven.
Go to a cafe and get to order by themselves, even if COMPIC will be needed.
Have a look into a garage where the cars are up on a post and you can see what is underneath.
Visit the fire station where the big red engine is usually on display.
Take a short ride on a bus, or even better train or tram.
Go look at the planes land and take off near the airport.
Look at some boats - or even go on a ferry ride.
Let's not forget the zoo and the aquarium Go to the city and go up and down in lifts - even better if they are glass and you can see out.
And there are many, many more. But you need to talk to the child about what is happening and provide the appropriate vocabulary with COMPICs and pictures to support. Take a camera and take pictures of your child exploring. Hopefully you will both be enjoying the experience and you will be teaching your child something the school cannot, namely feeling confident and competent in the community in which he/she will grow up.